things I’ve said to my students

classical-crap:

I teach little kids piano and these are some of the things I tell them and they seem to think I’m funny

• “woah there buddy”
• “be expressive, not aggressive”
• “play staccato like you would play hot potato”
• “yikes”
• student: “why does posture matter?” me: “look at my hands when I’m playing with flat fingers. doesn’t that look weird? it looks kind of disturbing. don’t have flat fingers.” student: “you’re right”
• “no no no don’t do that you’ll break your hand”
• me: “what chord is this?” student: “g major. but can we name it carlos?” me: “…I don’t see why not”
• “the man on my screensaver is dmitri shostakovich and you will learn to love his music, too”
• “yeah this guy wrote angry music”
• “we’re going to play this excruciatingly slowly. suffering is how we make progress”
• me: “so a harp is basically just a naked piano.” my student: “so, you could say that inside a piano are the piano’s…organs.”
• *miscellaneous sound effects and screeches*
• *badly singing along as they play*
• “composers were crazy. don’t ever let anyone tell you that mozart was sophisticated because he told some very bad jokes.”
• me: “what interval is that?” student: “EL DIABLO”
• “it’s going to sound bad, but that means you’re playing it right”
• “please don’t play the piano with your elbows. you can try that at home”
• “so the music says that it should be an f sharp but you played it as an f natural and I kind of liked that so we’re keeping it”
• ”if you can play this well I’ll accompany you with my plastic saxophone”