I would like to thank this moment to thank John Mulaney for forever giving us “that’s what I thought you’d say you dumb fucking horse” as a way to react to literally every noise that comes out of trump’s mouth
This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.
[Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt & Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jones’s What’s New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited.
Here’s the thing about when, uh, What’s New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again.’ It’s ‘hey, What’s New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played What’s New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright?
Now, John and I we’re watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what’s going on. And we’re staring at this one guy and he’s sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he’s like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he’s been onto us since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly…
BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and I’m punching in the What’s New Pussycats alright? I’ve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me ‘hey hey hey before you punch in another What’s New Pussycat let’s drop in one It’s Not Unusual.’
Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After sevenWhat’s New Pussycats. In a row – It played seven times. Suddenly – Dum da dum, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What’s New Pussycats. It’s true. Dead honest.
And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. It’s Not Unusual fade out. It’s dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like ‘yup some crap as always.’
They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.]
reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and it’s still forever hilarious omg
the signs as lines from john mulaney’s kid gorgeous
Aries: “I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.”
Taurus: “College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000.”
Gemini: “I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s No Good, How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re In Dallas On Wednesday? Okay. Well, Then Let’s Just Not See Each Other For 8 Months And It Doesn’t Matter At All.’”
Cancer: “I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff.”
Leo: “You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me that you don’t want to walk into the ocean.”
Virgo: “I don’t know what my body is for, other than just taking my head from room to room.”
Libra: “In high school, people were like, ‘What are your top 3 colleges?’ I was like, top 3 colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”
Scorpio: “Fourteen years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change.”
Sagittarius: “Like years later, I’d be going down on some rocking twink in college and I’d be like, ‘Wait a second… What would Leonard Bernstein do?’”
Capricorn: “I don’t care for these new Nazis, and you may quote me on that.”
Aquarius: “I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t.”
Pisces: “My dad once grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me up during church and said ‘God can’t hear you.’”
“Now friends, wasn’t that something else? Let’s give a big hand Mr. Presley. His acts a little wild but we wish him well. Now, have you ever wondered what would happen if a horse got loose in a hospital? Well, we at the Thursday Afternoon Lux Soap Variety Hour think it would go a little something, like this-”
CaptainBubblebath 